“Winning” at Lockdown?

Once again this week I was struggling for a blog topic until Jess suggested that I write about how demotivating lockdown is and how easy it is to feel that you are “wasting” this time and for some reason you should be “doing more”. It’s complete and utter nonsense. We are in a time that is psychologically very unsettling. You can’t know what you should be doing, because you have never been in this situation before.

I am used to working. I am used to working hard. I am used to stressful work and deadlines. If you read the post “The Truth about stress” then you know that I thought I had become dependent on stress. When we came here the idea was that I would work in a less stressful job part time and write on days when I was not at work. This was panning out ok, I wasn’t making as much progress as I would like, but I’m a tough self-critic. I find it hard to privilege writing over almost anything else, because I feel like it’s indulgent and selfish. Then lockdown happened. To begin with I had some hours of work to structure my time. I had lessons to prepare for and in the case of the kids exam course, lessons to write. I still had set times to do things. I had to be ready before the lessons and I had to check the system to see if lessons had been changed or moved or cancelled. I wasn’t doing the hours I wanted to but I was still doing something.

In the beginning the writing continued but became a little bit more difficult because now Al was at home all the time. It was more fun to do things together than lock myself in the guest bedroom for hours. In addition my novel is set in the future and just as I am avoiding post-apocalyptic films because they chime a little too strongly with where I find myself in reality, I don’t really want to be spending a lot of time imagining the circumstances that necessarily lead to the future I am writing about. It’s all too close to home. It’s like when something happens and you know in the future that it’s going to be a funny story, but when you are going through it, it doesn’t make the actual events suck less.

Two weeks ago I was told I was going to be furloughed with my main job and I knew I only had two weeks left with the second job. While I have been able to keep this blog to a vaguely weekly schedule, I have not really been achieving anything else. This week I marked the mock exams for the kids course and then delivered their final lesson with me. This was the last piece of work I had. I dread what will happen now that, blog aside, I don’t have anything to separate the days, to mandate the activity, to motivate me to get it done. I know that this has been the reality for many from the beginning.

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The ticking clock

I am not necessarily a fan of the construct of time, but we have been brought up with it. It has defined the shape of our days and lives since we were born. When everyday becomes the same it is very difficult to be motivated. Someone once told me that activities extend into the time available to do them. Something I would have done quickly before now becomes a mindful activity. I have time, so everything I do feels like it needs to evidence the time spent. I think I am doing it because it is something I can control. There is so much going on that when I think about it, it makes me feel like the bottom has fallen out, but by focusing on the activity in front of me I can avoid the existential dread and worry about what will happen. This is not especially conducive for creativity, at least I don’t find it so.

I find myself asking what I am doing with this time? Every day I get up and I do things. I rarely sit down except at the computer to write or, until yesterday prepare for lessons, but I don’t feel like I am achieving anything. Going to the shops once a week seems to be an operation that takes a lot of preparation. From speaking with others I think this is something we are all experiencing in differing ways. It’s important to remember that there isn’t something you should be accomplishing. This is not a once in a lifetime opportunity to do those things you have been planning to do. This is a strategy to minimise the number of sick people in hospitals and to minimise the number of dead. It is not a holiday. It is not a sabbatical. You are not required to be productive. You do not have to be all things to all people.  You are not failing. You are human. You are surviving.

“Every cloud has a silver lining”

I have seen a lot of posts about getting back to normal but also about how normal was not working. I am certainly in the camp that says we should use this terrible event as an opportunity to change things, refocus on what is important and valuable to us. However, I also understand this desire to re-establish some kind of normalcy and we will. Whatever comes next will become normal.

Things cannot go back to exactly the way they were, even if it were desirable, it’s not possible. The world is undergoing a major medical and economic shock. Our old way of life does not exist anymore. If you look at the Spanish Flu outbreak as a historically comparable event, it changed the world of the time. The Coronavirus has changed our world. We know air, river and sea quality has been improved by our enforced lock down among other things, so the situation is not entirely negative. We can decide what things we want to try to recover and what things we want to move on without. We can make sure that our priorities are aligned with what the best outcomes can be now, to dare to dream about a different future and what we can do to bring it about.